Transparency

I finally decided to actually look up the word transparency as it is thrown around a lot these days and find that despite its overuse, I am incredibly drawn to it. I found the dictionary definition to fall flat in how it relates to humans and in my google search attempts to understand the word better, I stumbled upon, what to me, describes it perfectly: a fundamental principle that involves openness, honesty, and the clear disclosure of information. Now you may be asking yourself if you have continued to read this far, and your point is Christy Anne? Well, my point is after a seemingly endless number of tasks delaying my actually sitting down to write my first post here: journaling, morning pills and vitamins, playing with the cats, driving to Santa Rosa to pick up a curling iron (which I am fairly certain I will need in the next month or two), devouring an order of cheese curds, rearranging my room, vacuuming and the very much needed 2nd diet coke from McDonalds...I found I had no idea how to share intensely personal information and random crap floating around my noggin' in an attempt that my first piece be "transparent." I figure this also acts as a great way to share that my writing will have its moments of humor, things that may resonate and a propensity for run on sentences as I like to write how I think. (For all those skilled editors or content creators who catch typos - no I am not looking to be cleaned up. I actually look forward to what I hope is an evolution with my writing as it unfolds) What is really driving the bus here today is that after months/years of wanting to start a blog, I awoke with the resolve to just jump in and let the proverbial chips fall where they may. Despite the aforementioned delay tactics, here I am. But WHY have I wanted to write a blog?

Like many I feel I have life experiences that many may find relatable and by sharing others will not feel alone in their self-diagnosed craziness. Also, as covid apparently acted like a reset button for me, I have had to come to terms with that fact that after years of cultivating an entertaining and engaging personality that can hold her own with the best of them, I am an introvert. Add to that two years ago I went through testing (after what has been a lifetime of trying to figure out what is wrong with me) and found out I am in fact Autistic. So, the tsunami of emotions I have experienced since going through the steel trap of a memory I have, I often now feel like I should have "well, duh" tattooed on my forehead. You see, like so many other women out there I have always known I was different but couldn't get an explanation as to why. Too many therapists to count who didn't know what to do with me as the lengthy list of slightly better understood mental health labels did not apply. A brief journey with the church of Christianity, because well, being told I was broken, but still loved, certainly filled in a lot of the blanks. One of these days I will write about my path to even finding out about late diagnosed Autism and masking, but for the purposes of today I mention solely because it gave me the name that explained so much of me to me, that I was finally able to stop seeking the "what's wrong with me" and instead focus on how I felt about that and what I needed to do to move forward.

I mention moving forward not only because I have spent too much of my life trying to explain why I am the way I am, but after caring for my mother for over 7 years until her passing and my husband retiring next year, getting back to work has been at the forefront of my mind. So far in this journey of mine, I have been a hairdresser for 31 years, accounting, human resources & facility manager, interior painter, massage therapist, artist, writer of a monthly column in our local paper on creativity and am now going through Jay Shetty's certification school to become a life coach with my niche centered on neurodivergent women and how best to support them in their own journeys and figuring out that they too can and should be whatever the hell they want to be in a supportive and non-judgmental way, with the hope that they can spend less time feeling less-than and more time enjoying who they were born to be. The only part of this life I am creating for myself that is lacking I realized is the banter and sharing of stories I admit I loved when working in groups of people. You could not pay me to enter the corporate arena again and I have made peace with the fact that being autistic and an empath, the energy drain I experience when around too many people too often is not a sustainable environment for me to be in on a regular basis and maintain the equilibrium, I hold a tenuous grasp on. But a blog. Oh my, a space where I can share unfiltered stories of my ups and downs and possibly reach others who feel the same? Literal heart candy.

Who might benefit from reading these shared life stories I asked myself. Fellow autistics, sure. Any who have been called: broken, quirky, unfiltered, eccentric, hyper-sensitive, sarcastic, deeply loving, hyper literal, seekers of understanding the human condition, too much, Pollyanna, depressed, anxious, skeptical, people pleasing or my personal favorite - co-dependent. Oh and of course as my favorite pin says "remarkably articulate and sometimes sweary." I will say fuck a lot and I will not apologize for it. I say this admittedly as a point of pride, I AM NOT FOR EVERYBODY.

What are my qualifications for being relatable? I am a 52-year-old woman who is post-menopausal, second marriage, had an affair with a married man, gastric bypass surgery almost 20 years ago and at 222 currently, still fighting that battle, alcoholic in recovery, hyper-sensitive autistic, thought I suffered from depression for years and turns out it was in fact anxiety instead, financially responsible (now) with a purse & shoe fetish I blame Poshmark for enabling, surviving this current political shitshow with the most despicable human being ever born as our countries president and despite now finding myself after my mother's passing as having no family by blood left in my life I remain reluctantly optimistic and I genuinely LOVE learning more about the human condition and few things bring me as much true joy as making another human smile and see the potential in whatever shitshow they are trying to survive.

It is said that we are each born with our unique gifts to offer the world, from both the religious and secular realm. My gift(s) as much as I have loathed them at times are the ability to see the positive in anything and the potential to make anything in life fun. As these are not immediately translatable to a real job, I find I am having to shed my parents brainwashing in matters of "security" and forge my own path. Writing this blog is where others will have an opportunity to laugh, cry and just maybe be inspired to step out of their comfort zone, ignore the brainwashing we have all been impacted by and maybe, just maybe, allow themselves to live the life that will bring them joy, if that is something they are currently lacking. If nothing else, I hope to act as a reminder that souls like me are out there, trying to do as little damage as possible, embracing that thank God we are not all the same and that although we can seem a little scary or unstable at times - we are in fact just fellow humans trying to exist, be good friends, spouses and be of service to the greater good, in whatever form that takes.

Regarding the coaching portion of my journey I am continuing through Jay Shetty's Certification School, I have been blessed with amazing volunteers to be coachee's for my training hours needed and my plan is to be up and running as an actual, legit coach by November. I will say after all the different programs I researched; I went with Jay Shetty as so much of what he talks about resonates with me on an intensely deep level. I have come to believe as he does not that NONE of us is in fact broken and we each have within us the ability to become what we dream of, but having someone whose focus is to ask the right questions and listen is something so many of us are lacking. From google: "Jay Shetty's coaching philosophy centers on guiding individuals to unlock their potential and live a more purposeful life by integrating mindfulness, self-awareness, and practical strategies. He emphasizes empowering individuals to find their own solutions and meaning, rather than providing direct answers. This approach draws from his background as a monk and his study of ancient wisdom, making it accessible and relevant to a modern audience." So yes, I am insanely thrilled to be learning and be a part of his mission to make wisdom go viral. I am also excited to be living in a time when I can post what I am thinking, feeling, experiencing with others in an unfiltered way, which is the only way I know how.

I will also admit it feel pretty damn good to actually have written something and now posting it, run on sentences and all. I am challenging myself to write something every day for 30 days for no other reason than to see what comes of it. So, check back in if interested. I will be learning and adding to my site as I go. I mean really, it is not what I have to lose, I have lost everything before. It is what I have to gain by actually letting what is in my head out in the only way I am truly comfortable - with transparency. We shall see what I wake up thinking about tomorrow...it's got potential.