When the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of stepping into the abyss.

Delilah Canadian Space Gal in search of shenanigan's...

For the past 5 years I have been writing a little addition to our local newspaper Cloverdale Connect every month in the hopes of inspiring others, which has been a joy on two fronts. First it forced me to create something every month. Now sure, if you know me, that's like saying "hey, want some nachos?" Ya, always. 24/7. But we all know even when there is something we enjoy, real life often gets in the way and you can get distracted from the fun parts. Secondly, it gave me an opportunity to indulge in something that I had forgotten how much joy it gives me, writing. Writing, if enjoyed, is to an introvert's soul like a free pass to share thoughts and feelings without being weighed down by social anxieties of which I am saturated in. Sure, I had gotten pretty good at faking it, or as they call it in the late diagnosed Autistic world, of which I am now a proud member, masking, but it always takes a toll on me when out in public and recovery from it is not always quick or enjoyable. Anyhoo, due to the increased popularity of the paper (Dana you rock!!!) there were tighter restrictions on space needed and I realized I couldn't do it. It's funny, when younger in school writing at least 300 words on a subject that didn't interest me was akin to medieval torture, but trying to explain how to make even the simplest of things in my voice under the same restrictions? I tapped out. I loathe disappointing others. But in the last year I have finally come to realize that disappointing myself, if avoidable is simply intolerable. I realized what was making me sad was not so much being in the paper, but the outlet of which to share creativity. Of course there is a solution. Letting go of my fear-based bullshit and creating a website for exactly that purpose. After obsessing for a couple of days I wrote a thank you / goodbye piece for the paper and let them know the following month I would place an ad to announce the website that will go live January 2026. Crap. This website I am writing for is still in its infancy, who am I to start a second? I think for many people this is the moment when they hear a parent's voice in their head saying - "just go for it!" Well, both of my parents have passed on and even if they were alive, they sure as hell would never say that as they were NOT adventuresome types, quite the opposite in fact. Instead, I shall channel an artist whom I greatly respect, Amie McNee, who continues (thank God) to scream from every place she can "the world needs your art!" I'm listening Amie, let's do this!

Now, I should also point out here that my husband Brodie and I have long talked about what different artistic pursuits we both wish to follow and how we can partner in an adventure when he retires this coming May. Many ideas have bounced around over the past 10 years, so this is not coming completely out of left field. Our mutual love of making and creating is also the basis for the name which we had agreed upon many a moon ago as a gallery name one day of SPeS. Now, in part the SPE is a nickname amalgamation between the two of us that is too lengthy and obscure to explain coherently but does play a role in how we got to where we did. Another word that kept making an appearance for us the last 2 years since my mom passed has been "hope." It was the word that held the strings of my mother's sanity together and with all the political crap of the past decade, was certainly appropriate. Now enters in my love of Latin. Do I speak it? No. Will I ever learn to speak it? No. Putting those two questions aside it remains a favorite of mine as I love how Latin words sound. Latin words to me sound other worldly, a different time, when magic was still a possibility. So, I decided to look up hope and find out how it was said in Latin, which it turns out is; Spes. I remember I literally started giggling out loud and said to myself, "of course it does." The universe has such a delightful sense of humor, and I am easily amused, but we both knew in that moment that if and when we moved forward, that had to be the name. I wanted to make sure to keep Cloverdale Creative Corner alive as it had been my little love child and low and behold, the domain name Spes-CloverdalesCreativeCorner.com was in fact available; or rather was. I snagged it before I could chicken out and as I have learned in my coaching practice, when there is skin in the game, you are more likely to follow through. The site will not be live until January 2026, but I locked it down and have started to plant some seeds of how it will be laid out, at least to begin with.

To start and not give myself a coronary, it will be a more involved version of what I was doing for Cloverdale Connect. A project, directions on how to accomplish and a picture. Of course, now that my space is not limited, projects can really be dived into. Better step by steps, multiple photos if warranted & no restrictions. Plus, they can be categorized, what age group is appropriate, will I be swearing in any of them (odds are high), and whatever other random stuff stands out to me at the time. Despite all the wringing of hands, a.d.h.d. distractions, and other self-sabotaging things coming up for me literally as I write this, the thing that keeps poking its head out from the distractions is my most cherished part of myself, whom I shall refer to as Whimsy. I capitalize as this is the name I am giving her and yes, she is in fact whimsical, but she is so much more. Whimsy is my inner artist, ya know, like inner child, but very real and very of this moment in time. Whimsy is the part of me I have spent so much of my life trying to hide from others. Sure, she has snuck out every once in a while, leaving her mark on things or whispering in my ear when life has gotten too serious, too adulting, too boring. To give her more shape, flesh her out a bit, she is the last remaining part of me that the world has never gotten its hands on, as I have protected her, sometimes unknowingly, because I have always sensed what the world would try and do to her; rip her fragile and magical self apart and I never felt strong enough to keep her safe if I let her out to play and let her imagination run wild.

Until now.

An introduction is in order and although I am excited to remove the invisible cage for which I have kept her in, you may not meet her right away. To be fair, kept in a cage for 53 years, I think most of us would tip toe as we ventured out, so she may take a little time, before she steps out to shake your hand. But until she musters the courage, I will do my best to be open and transparent and share a little bit I can tell you about her. Is it weird talking about a part of myself in the third person? Sure, but no weirder than things I consider normal, so there you go.

I should insert here that over a week has gone by and distracted by other commitments and self-sabotaging any attempts to sit back down and write, I'm back. I shouldn't be surprised. Admitting out loud to the world who you really are on the inside is...well, it feels like I would imagine walking down the street naked would feel. For my husband he would probably love an excuse to walk around everywhere naked, but for me, it is TERRIFYING. I swear with all the delays and avoidance you'd think I was going to announce I have a tail or 5 nipples. If only...

So, who is Whimsy? Whimsy is my unmasked self and despite decades of being mocked at times, told I couldn't be that person as a grown up, too many masks to list, and well, Whimsy is the same as she was 47 years ago (that is as far back as my memory actively serves me). Very much like the 6-year-old I once was, Whimsy still sees the world as a child often does, full of wonder. She marvels at clouds, hearing birds in the distance and wondering what they speak of, does her best to avoid stepping on dandelions as although she is told they are weeds, she thinks they are beautiful and fierce. She is still afraid of frogs as she killed 2 as a child (one intentionally and one by accident) and the guilt carried has not lost its weight, so she awaits their revenge on her. She honestly believes that the world should be kind ad fair and doesn't understand why more adults don't get as disgruntled as she. Oh, fuck this "she" bullshit. I want everyone in the world to have equal and fair opportunities to discover who they are, whether that is to be an artist or join the hustle and bustle of the corporate existence. I want others to see the amazing beauty around them and be humbled by it. I want people to be kind. I want people to laugh, not because they feel they have to, but because they are in fact that amused. I want everyone to feel deep and meaningful empathy as I do. I intellectually get why I have been referred to so many times as Pollyanna in my thinking. I have taught myself to be fierce and I know how to survive in this shitshow of masks, sarcasm and naysayers (yes, that is a word). The world I want will never exist. So, what is a 53-year-old with her inner child still dominating her soul supposed to do to exist in this world that can be so cruel to sensitive hearts and optimists?

Start a fucking website that showcases creativity in many forms, that's what! ...and we're back. Whatever fears or insecurities that will continue to raise their head and scream at me, the part of me that sees the potential, the wonder of what is possible, and to have the platform where I can do it my way - which means nothing will be perfect. It will not be super finessed and polished, at least not in the beginning. That being said, SPeS will be a place where creativity is welcome and where the belief that anything is possible. My husband Brodie and I will get to share projects, ideas, solid resources for doing and some "creative" ways to get stuff done. Whether that be by thinking outside of the box, using stuff we have laying around or foraging to see what we can find that perhaps we never thought of or just flat out using weird shit, then so be it. My greatest hope is not just that we have fun creating and sharing, but that we inspire others to do the same, even if they are not "artists" or "creatives" themselves. We hope to attract and grow a community of curiosity seekers and makers. People who aren't afraid to ask, "I wonder if that would work?" The seeds are being planted. Spes-CloverdalesCreativeCorner.com will go live in January. Vulnerability will be driving the bus, but courage will ride shotgun so it's cool. As its namesake means, hope will be given a chance, some oxygen, love, freedom to grow as it needs to and God willing, we will achieve the most important part of the whole idea, which is not only to let ourselves have fun, but to inspire others to do the same, in whatever way makes sense for them. For Brodie and me, Delilah, our Canadian Space gal shall stay suspended from our living room ceiling reminding us that every time we step out, or return home, that we do in fact have the right to have fun in this life, even when the world is telling us it's time to grow up and act our age. Hard pass.