The art of exorcising demons of our own making...

I found myself lying on the floor last night whilst watching Evil on Prime (Instagram, I curse your algorithms for turning me onto such a delicious diversion) and although I was enjoying the show immensely, I was silently cursing myself for causing the discomfort that had me laying on the floor in the first place. I have been in a dysfunctional relationship with food for going on 40+ years now and despite all the knowledge and experience, including gastric bypass surgery almost 20 years ago, the ups and own of this self-inflicted roller coaster ride from hell continue to plague me. I know exactly how shitty sugar makes me feel and yet, it inevitably follows that when I get angry or frustrated at someone, its siren call which I have battled for so long, still gets her claws in me and drags me down into the mire of numbing out as I am still unable to just feel my emotions in a healthy way and let whatever has hurt me go. The worst part I think is that although I am aware of what is happening to me, that I intellectually understand that what I am doing is ridiculous and will hurt me, the behavior I created so long ago still has such a ferocious grip on that part of myself that was so vulnerable and felt so alone as a child and has such a layer of scar tissue that is so thick that reason will not penetrate, no matter how loud I scream at myself.

Now I will acknowledge that it doesn’t take me down nearly as often as it did in my 20’s and 30’s, which led to my need for surgery as a last-ditch cry at saving myself before I was completely lost in the abyss. I will also acknowledge that since getting my Autism diagnosing and learning that eating disorders and alcoholism are common amongst late diagnosed women, it doesn’t completely remove the sting I feel that I can’t reason my way out of the depths of this cage I created as a survival tool when I was so young and didn’t understand why I felt such a desperate need to escape my life and all the feelings that were simply too much for me to process at the time. Intellectually I think that after 40 god damned years of battling an addiction I must confront multiple times a day to survive, countless books read trying to understand, multiple nutritionist’s consulted, hypnosis attempted, many thousands of dollars with therapists trying to peel back the seemingly endless layers of protection my uniquely wired brain has built, forming a labyrinth of such complexity  I should be able to find my way to its center so I can change the fucking recording that plays when I am triggered. I should probably also give myself a bit of credit that after so many years of frustration and disappointment, I refuse to give up.

I laughed to myself multiple times during the few episodes I watched. I thought to myself, wow, wouldn’t that be awesome, if I could just get a fucking exorcism and get it handled! I am also fairly certain if such a thing existed with even a modicum of validity an algorithm would have shown it to me by now and told me how I too could change my life for on three easy payments of $99.95. Sadly, no such luck. On a positive note, I have had enough experience in this realm to see every new generation of diet plan and miracle pill/injection and laugh at myself because I no longer feel the pull to indulge whatever the newest snake oil being peddled in that realm that is being thrown my way. They are all bullshit. Sure, there are a few that may help you temporarily shed enough to feel as if a cure has been located, but I know in my heart as well as my crazy wired brain, that lasting change takes hard work and an actual rewiring of habits in the brain for any hopes of long-lasting change and good health. I also know I must surrender to the fact that food addiction is the hardest of them all as it is the only addiction I am aware of, that if one wants to survive, must be engaged in not only every day, but multiple times a day. I have been to enough addiction meetings in my life to know as a fact that no one, and I literally mean no one has a success story with heroin, smoking, shopping or booze that the printed materials sing the praises of “just have enough until you feel full and you’ll be fine”  or “why can’t you just do less like a normal person?” Addiction doesn’t work that way. For anyone.

So how does one, in any kind of optimistic way try to change that yet to be accessed recording, and start creating a new one? How does one quiet the noise of the bordering on manic or OCD repetition the brain kicks into when triggered and lull it into  a sense of momentary calm so you can give it its much needed hug and suggest that a walk will in fact not only feel better, but dampen the noise of the aggressive energy so desperately needing attention so it can CALM THE FUCK DOWN? Just a reminder here for any neurotypicals reading here, although I appreciate your perspective, I can no longer assimilate your advice in any more of an easy way than I can understand why neurotypical brains tend to be so passive aggressive and not just say what they mean and get to the point in day-to-day conversations. It’s not because I don’t think you care or mean well, it is because you LITERALLY do not understand how my brain works, hence any attempts at fixing and/or suggesting solutions that worked for you are futile. For clarities sake, I am still trying to navigate my brain and the basics of how I process information and rest assured I have 52 years of personal experience to tell you mimicking my neurotypical friends has only gotten me so far. My extensive abilities at masking are an entirely different subject, for another time.

On the plus side, I do understand nutrition and what a decent and healthy diet can look like, in all its many forms, so no nutritionist is needed. Although I will never stop reading and ingesting new data, I also have no interest in getting stuck in the mire of knowledge paralysis, or more commonly known as analysis paralysis. I have read enough books on emotional eating to write my own encyclopedic series of books. So, as I am sitting here writing this an idea is forming in my noggin’ that perhaps a mix of habit building skills intermingled with using coaching techniques on myself may produce some interesting results. Seeing as how I am in the midst of becoming a life coach, I certainly am armed to the teeth with materials to be put to good use and give it a go. Also, it could be an insightful experiment to go through the machinations of the process with myself and a mirror. I have certainly survived the gigglefest that has ensued when I have done mirror work at the recommendation of a therapist and to be fair, in my quest at building some actual Bonafide self-worth, it has been incredibly helpful and effective. Plus, I am no stranger to laughing at myself, so familiar territory on that front. I should absolutely give my husband the heads up in case he walks in on, so he doesn’t assume I have completely lost my mind.

Ah, an experiment is born. I will pretend I am 2 people, myself and my coach. I will set it as a 90-day window as 3 months to create and maintain the simplest of new habits seem reasonable and not unrealistic. The interesting part is the 1 hour a week. Now, as opposed to working with an actual other physical coach, I will diminish the getting off track and bullshitting about other stuff factor that would be an issue for me. However, a solid hour sitting in front of a mirror, having conversations, doing exercises challenging myself, sitting in silence when necessary, and holding myself accountable. I must admit it has all the makings of exactly the kind of overcomplicated experimentation that might actually work for someone such as myself! Plus, as a side benefit it at minimum should offer up an experience of what it feels like on the “being coached” side, rather, being coached by me. Well, there is only one way to find out. I figure on the worst side, I feel a little crazy and I come up with some funny stories to share. I can’t think of anything I have to lose. Writing up the contract for myself should be a cheap thrill and I figure; I never tire of learning new things. I appreciate the challenge it poses. Taking it seriously will actually force my brain to slow down a bit and figure out what I really wish to accomplish with experiment. If I have my husband, who is a lawyer, read it over – it places a level of accountability on me. Taking it even deeper, if I put the money I would charge another into a box every week at the beginning of the hour, after 90 days I will have saved some money to put towards a reward of some type…if I add the layer that if I don’t follow through I have to give the money to someone else, then I really have some skin in the game as they say.

You ever have one of those lightbulb moments when you think to yourself:

“Holy shit – this might actually work?”

I just did. Project “Exorcism of the Last Scar Tissue Layer” has potential. More to come later, I have a contract to go write up…