Procrastination is like masturbation.

 It’s fun while you’re doing it. But, in the end you’re only fucking yourself (fave joke ever and so true).

I wish sometimes I could blame my proficiency in procrastination on my having ADHD, being autistic (factual things) or that I am simply overwhelmed by a busy schedule (not even 5% true) and although those things play a part to be sure, they are but the excuses that seem socially acceptable as a reason “why”. I am fairly certain that I will never truly understand all the nuanced reasons I procrastinate on the reg, but I am also learning I don’t need to understand why. The fact is I know it will be a part of my existence for the rest of my life. Letting go of the human desire to understand and label everything I am instead working towards creating systems of play to help me maneuver around this part of myself I am tired of feeling shitty about. Also, as long as I can find some creative work arounds – why do I need to view it as shitty behavior? Perhaps that is the best place to start.

We (male or female is irrelevant) are living in a world where especially if our location has us in higher populated areas with more technology, we seem to have all accepted this current culture of “MUST BE BUSY ALL THE TIME”. Now sure for those conspiracy theorists out there, perhaps it has all been an elaborate plan by the hippies to create a market space for “self-care” and what feels like an ever-expanding selection of meditation apps, specialty cushions, essential oil infused giggly-bobs (super technical term) and exclusive mountain retreats that few can afford. As I like to think of myself as part hippie this seems over simplistic and counterintuitive. Instead, I think living in a country ruled by capitalism and again, ever-growing technology, for some reason we have been taught that once something has been made simpler, then we need to be doing more. Because we live and have for some time now is a culture driven by the desire for more and we have (or many of  us have) gone along not only willingly, but with an enthusiastic “yes please!” Now I could go deeper into a rant here about capitalism and overconsumption, but alas back to procrastination and why I believe our current culture impacts those of us with a biological or acquired behavior that tends to keep us in a loop or frustration and self-loathing. Putting my ADHD aside for a moment, my autistic brain is deeply saturated in both the creative and detailed loving portion of the spectrum. You see if I wake up well rested and reasonable calm, my creativity tends to increase as the day progresses. Unless I shut out visual and auditory distractions, I see the potential in just about everything around me. If I allow myself to play with what crosses my path (without discipline) what starts as a color that catches my eye or a frustration that something isn’t working as I would like it to, my brain goes into overdrive on all the possibilities. To clarify, I don’t just mean ideas. I mean the detailed nuances on how to make the idea work, what would be needed, do I have what is needed? No? What could I substitute what is conventionally needed and use instead, which to be candid, often works even better than original item. I have it said to me by many people I know, where do you come up with some of these ideas? Who the fuck knows…all I know is at any given moment 2-6 different things can be fighting for the next place in line to be tried out. My brain refuses to fully accept the construct of time and wants to do everything that day. As I have gotten older, I have finally learned to not allow myself to “overdo it” and keep myself from crashing or getting sick. I must put those ideas on a shelf. This is why discipline does play an important role. But discipline only keeps me from crashing or getting sick.

You see the next day it starts all over again. Not where I left off. I mean a whole new batch of ideas. Hence it has not been uncommon for the past 5 years or so, without having a structured job as a part of my life, I had what began to feel like a never-ending list of projects waiting to be finished. I can admit now with an open and honest heart – it did not feel good. This put me in a bit of an emotional quagmire as I love creating things and thinking outside the box! However, the feeling of self-created pressure I had willingly given birth to, alongside the fun, began to feel, well shitty. Ya know, like the project that was due in 8^th grade that your parents keep reminding you of and you lie and say your working on it, but really have just been dicking off and then low and behold it is due the next day and you now have to confront 2 things: an intensely compact amount of time to complete project mixed with anger from parents for having lied. You literally feel like you are drowning, and you also know that 100% you created the mess yourself. So slowly and painfully I have been chipping away at this list for some time now. It has taken months…and although closer to the finish line, there are still a handful of things to do. On a plus note, the picture featured is of an open sign that is almost complete and the last of the projects promised to someone outside of the home. I must admit, as I inch closer to its completion, there is a buoyancy in my steps making its way back to me and I have noticed I have recently had a mantra running inside my head of “no more projects for anyone else until the current list is done.” I must remind myself that I do in fact have a list I made 3 months ago that I promised myself no new things until I am done with it.

As I can already feel myself getting excited at the prospect of allowing new projects in again, I am absolutely remembering that I need a new boundary of 1 project at a time before another can be started. I should clarify – project completed before another can be started. Now let me clarify here – I am allowed to dream up and draw out new projects. I just am not allowed to start them before my albatross of a list is finished. This is where the word play has come up for me. I don’t like rules that keep me from doing what I want to do. I don’t like restrictions on my creativity. My inner child literally turns into Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

And now, don’t care how, I want it now, don’t care how, I want it now…I digress.

Now the fact that her character annoys the shit out of me should help reign it in, but no. In the moment of “not now” I can feel her wake up and whisper that if she and I work together we can so make it happen. No one needs to know. It will be our little secret…get the fuck out of my head you whiny little shite! Deep breathes…so, in order to keep my unruly little brain troll at bay, I must turn things into a game. But Christy Anne you might say, life as an adult is not a game, adulting is hard work and you should take it seriously. Ever wish you could find the first human who uttered those words, go back in a time machine and slap them? I do. I wish someone had. Perhaps if that had happened we wouldn’t be living in a world where there is a narrow school path (that too many of us do not fit into), followed by a work path that for so many of us brings a paycheck and a slew of health problems as the work is not something that actually brings us any satisfaction, all so that the small percentage of people owning these companies can continue to make the lion’s share of wealth and the rest of us keep the hamster wheel in motion. Well as I have no time machine and as stated before can not design one until my current list is finished, I must find a work around; making whatever I have to do fun.

We all have different ideas of what is fun, but I will argue that with a bit of creativity and whimsy, anything can be in fact made less painful. I will use this current blog piece I am writing as an example. As I am working on creating a structure in my life that is sustainable and writing is in fact a big part of that structure, it took me almost 4 hours today to get started writing. Because I know I am trying to create a structure my brain has been doing everything possible to distract me from starting as change is scary and our brains are hardwired to resist change and stay safe, even if safe is slowly killing us. So, knowing I actually wanted to get started on sanding the sign I have made so I can then seal with spar urethane and add the wheels and deliver to local restaurant I have been making for, I went out and found my sander, got it fitted with appropriate grit and started to work on. For 3 minutes. I then stopped and told myself I can start sanding again after I have written at least 1 page of this piece. Not shocking, once I sat down and started, I am now on page 4. You see I had to postpone a purely physical and enjoyable thing as a reward for writing. Do I still want to sand sign? Hell yes! But see, this is phase 2 of the game for me. I know myself pretty well at this point. Not only did I know if I just sat down, I would engage, but I also knew the secondary effect would be that I am chomping at the bit to finish sanding. Both things need to get done. But I knew I would feel better after writing something and I do. I also know I will do a better and more creative and awesome job sanding if I am in a mental place of feeling good and accomplished. So that is the game, as I call it, for these two things. I am having a little bit of fun manipulating my brain into getting something done in a creative way. By getting 2 things done I do in fact win a prize – I feel better. Do I wish I could just do things on my list in a linear way and be ok with that? Sure. But that is not who I am. Do I feel guilty that I have also given myself permission to take a nap after I have done sanding – before I apply the sealer? Hell no. That shit can wait until tomorrow. Which is the other part of the game and reward system I am creating. Single Tasking with breaks allowed in before whatever the next thing is I start to do. It may be 2pm currently, but I have a client at 7pm so my day is far from over.  Therein also my friends lies the secret to creating a structure that works for you if you are a creative and are not restricted by “office hours.” The structure we create in our lives as much as possible needs to be created by ourselves, remembering that we are individuals and not clones.

Even in an office environment there is leeway for many on what order someone tackles their day. The point is we need to remind ourselves that we are in fact individuals and if we are willing to step out of our comfort zones, we can make simple adjustments to ease the discomfort of adulting. It won’t cure you of your desire to procrastinate. It may just ease the level of shame we place on ourselves for not living up to someone else’s standards. I mean, you wouldn’t just masturbate a certain way because that’s how someone told you to would you? So why should procrastinating be any different? We can’t magically turn ourselves into different human beings, but we can have a little fun in how we manipulate our time.