Change and thinking outside the neurotypical box.

In Awakenings by Mark Nepo this morning I read a couple of quotes that really tapped into the space I was in, and I giggled as I do so love when messages arrive exactly when we need to hear them. Mark was noting “why  we have to grow and change” and as I had just successfully completed a 10 day cleanse of body and home challenge I created, I was in one of those deep spaces of both being excited that I had been successful in my endeavor, but also frustrated that it took such elaborate detailing and preparation to do what upon reflection appeared to be a straight forward task. I won’t bother listing all the prior attempts that were utter failures, as there have been many others that detailing their existence is irrelevant now. The second quote in the piece he credited to the Bhagavad Gita – “These bodies are perishable, but the dweller in these bodies is eternal.” So, there I am sitting on the toilet, cobwebs barely wiped from my eyes, letting these 2 quotes percolate and thinking about why their resonance was so loud.

Anyone who has survived beyond their 20’s is familiar on some level about how much harder change becomes the older we get. The reasons are many. We get comfortable, habits have had time to solidify, we have other humans in our life who do not have the same hopes and dreams, jobs, homes, God willing a social life & of course the constant barrage of shit being thrown at us unexpectedly as we navigate adulthood. However, it is so much more than the logistics of how to enact change and stay on course that dominate and will stop at nothing to sabotage our forward momentum – it is ourselves. Our brains. Humans by nature as much as we can embrace fun or exciting change, throw some difficult change in the ix that forces us to be uncomfortable and holy hell get ready to meet the stubborn 2-year-old part of our brain. Human beings have been hardwired since the dawn of time for survival and the path of least resistance to feeling safe. That of course sounds obvious when we think of the Neanderthals, etc. for the obvious reasons, ya know, death from an animal trying to eat you. But for a large portion of the world today and certainly North America, the risk of being eaten by an animal has diminished substantially, unless you pass out drunk in the woods in which case, well…Darwin ya know. Maybe make better choices. But for most of us, we have once funds are obtained, acclimated to the relative ease of shopping for food and staying indoors if danger is lurking about. One would think as brilliant as many of us think we are, that our brains would also catch up and run alongside us accepting that the eminent fear of death and pestilence killing us off has become a chapter in our history books (at least until this current administration burns all the history books and RFK does more damage…gggrrrr). That sadly does not occur.

Perhaps you haven’t tried to make a drastic change in your life yet so you’re asking yourself what the hell I am talking about. Go ahead. Try to change anything that will make you uncomfortable for more that 24 – 48 hours and see how it goes. If it goes great, well odds are high you may be an alien, and this piece is not for you. But for most of us we have run up against this wall at least once in our lives. I would bet if I was able to poll all who have the odds are about 90% were unable to keep the change they were seeking for a meaningful amount of time and even higher that they did not try again, at least for a while. You know, the thing they had wanted to change becomes so uncomfortable again that they are forced to come up with a new method to try. It is one of the great paradoxes of being human. Many of us bounce back and forth between the discomfort of craving the change and fighting the change. As an autistic who is super literal and likes to understand how things work, this makes my head hurt when I think about it too long as it just seems, well, stupid. But is it?

If one simply thinks about change, you can surely see the struggles that might arise when food addictions are involved (guilty!) as chemical reactions occurring in both the brain and stomach, or simply the pangs of hunger one is not used to feeling. Creating new exercise habits has a landmine of things going on, but to stay with the simplistic for this piece, perhaps the weather outside is not conducive. Perhaps the cost of gym membership is either too intimidating or out of reach financially. Instead of listing all the tangible barriers that might arise, let me dive into what, at least for myself and many I know, is not only these things, but the reactions and resistance of others in our lives as well. It is easy to forget that although we are often thinking solely of ourselves with the changes we wish to make, we forget easily that any changes we wish to make, even if they benefit others, will also change our dynamic with others and often they were not a part of the decision to change, so to expect joy on their part can be detrimental to success. So, not only are we walking up what can feel like an uphill battle, but now we are forced to explain our actions or feel emotionally responsible for the impact on those we love. This adds another element to the process of change which is open and honest communication with those with whom our changes may impact. Let me be clear, this is not asking permission. This is being vulnerable enough to say that a change is needed in our lives and we recognize it could impact the other, so we wish to be respectful and let them know our wishes and hopefully get their support. Now, if they adamantly oppose the change we are wishing to make, now is the opportunity to ask why? Again, this doesn’t mean we won’t move forward, it is being proactive in minimizing the hazards that have potential to rear their head going forward.

For shits and giggles, let’s pretend we live in fantasy land, and you know the change you wish to make. You have the love and support of those around you. You have the financial means and the flexibility in schedule to create the ideal launch pad for this change. I think we can all guess what happens next. The same amount of crap that would arise even without these magical pieces falling into alignment. Because we are all hampered by the same roadblock, the brain. It is like the worst sci-fi villain ever as our brain is that internal computer that is armed with all the same information we have and not only does it obviously see and hear all we do, but it has a huge advantage. Before we knew how to string letters together and mimic words, our brains were soaking up everything we experienced. In the womb, as infants, our brains remember every experience we have ever had and have been protecting us since they were formed. So, does that mean that all is lost? That can we never win over these brains of ours? I believe quite the opposite for exactly the reasons listed above. Our present consciousness is not only not armed with all that data at the ready, but also not burdened by it. We just must get a little creative in our approach…

Trickery and baby steps. Yup, that is my theory based on zero medical research, just life experience and reading every damn book on change I can get a hold of. One of my favorite quotes in life I believe is Japanese in origin and says to the effect: Fall down 7 times, get up 8 (in I am sure a much classier and eloquent way) and I add that into the soup of trickery and baby steps. Don’t give up. Accept each failure and learn from them. Stop trying to climb the mountain you have never trained for and instead focus wholeheartedly on the next small baby step. Make it a game! Have a little fun with the trickery. This is no longer a loathsome burden you are trying to conquer, but instead a pesky habit that will be fun to see behind you. Once you have succeeded in one small step – celebrate that! Oh, you say, but that will take forever if I just take baby steps. O.K. How much time have you spent so far wanting to change? How many attempts, feeling like an idiot when it fails and beating yourself up about it. How much money is spent on apps, books, magazines, and memberships never utilized? The list is long. Rarely do any gimmicks by another work. Hence, you create your own.

I realized as I was sitting on the toilet in my state of contemplation that this was what I was finally doing. Creating my own little game of challenges. Cool, I have made it through the first hurdle. Of course, my instinct now is to race into the next phase and keep building on my success and perhaps because I was sitting on the toilet surprisingly without my phone I had nothing tangible to do. So, I let myself just be present for a moment and realized that my literal next step was to simply be pleased that the hard work paid off, not overthink it and give myself 24 hours to see how my body felt as I allowed real food in again. My husband and I went out for brunch, and it was amazing. I didn’t overeat and it was all quality ingredients. I got fresh veggies from the farmers market for dinner to go with the tri-tip a friend had gifted us with that was cooked to perfection and defrosting after I sliced it thin with an electric knife while still frozen (this is another game I play – having fun with my food while figuring out what to do with it as if I am a secret chef genius). As I used the tongs to load up my plate I stopped and dumped half of everything back into the bowl. I reminded myself I could get more later if hungry, if not hurray for yummy leftovers the next day! I remembered I could add a treat to my usual bowl of grapes while reading – but wait! Only if I go for a walk first, another little game of compromise with myself. After 8pm and its finally tolerable outside, no, not tolerable, lovely. SO I went for a walk with no goal in mind and it turned into a fast paced 3 mile walk simply because I was enjoying the music I was listening to.

Lastly, before sitting down to read with my treats, I finish writing this random piece knowing I am throwing it out to the universe for any to see. It isn’t going to change anyone’s life. I have no secrets revealed to cure the complexity of change. It is simply an honest and vulnerable account of what I am experiencing as I dip my toes into the pool of baby steps. Take the time to see what patience tastes like. Let go of any shame I have carried for too many years to mention. I am turning my newfound love of writing and sharing the crazy inside my autistic brain into one of the games that will be braided into this web of change I am attempting because I know I must continue to grow as a human being if I have any chance of surviving what feels like a looming dystopian nightmare about to unfurl itself over all of us living in the United States right now, especially over women (yes, I realize what is looming over immigrant’s, brown people, gay,  transgender, again the list is long – but as I am a woman who happens to be white that is what I know and can write about, it doesn’t mean I am better or less than anyone else). If I have any hope of growing in the way I know I want to, then I must change along the way. Baby steps, games to make the mundane seem fun, trickery to work around my brains mission to keep me safe and hopefully, if nothing else, by sharing honestly what is going on as I traverse the rugged terrain, perhaps someone who reads this will laugh and know they are not alone.