Becoming an architect. Of sorts.

Pants with potential...

My father always wanted me to become an architect. I of course said hell no as although I am creative and can draw quite well, the science and math elements left a bad taste in my mouth. Mainly because I sucked at them. Of course, maybe I sucked at them because neither could hold my interest and I scraped by doing the bare minimum through school, and I do mean the bare minimum. This always plagued my parents as in elementary school years I had tested so high and had so much promise. Which they often reminded me of. I now have a better understanding of how my brain works and being aware I am autistic, and not the super smart brainiac type, but the hyper emotional creative type, lessens the disappointment I carried around for a large part of my life. My father did have the math and science brain and could learn anything by simply reading about it. As an adult now I can see it was his seeing my artistic traits, which he lacked that he assumed went hand in hand with his brain, and an assumption, or hope, that I had inherited his aforesaid gifts, coupled with my own. Nope.

As I was staring at these new white cotton pants I scored at Nordstrom Rack at a ridiculous clearance sale, I realized I am in fact an architect, of my life. I mean that in the most literal way of course, I do not mean I am decorating or experiencing my life as I grow. I mean I am taking the time and consciously creating and building both the life and the person I wish to become. One painful step at a time. Sometimes taking a few steps back, or getting knocked back, but continuing to get up again and push forward with intent and purpose. The pants are simply today’s focus of one of the ways that is helping me to stay focused and make conscious choices. To not rush ahead, hurry to get it done. But instead savor each decision. I don’t wear white pants. EVER. When I saw them on the clearance rack however, I noticed the lines that might be flattering. I touched the quality of the peached, 100% overdyed cotton, made in Italy & 310g/m2 (whatever the hell that means, I am guessing the weight of the cotton). I also noticed they were originally $298 (WTF?) and now marked down to a mere $44.98. Still a chunk of change to be sure on my budget, by my autistic brain compiled a lot of things quickly; quality materials, well known and reputed brand & of course those lines that looked so appealing and screamed out to me the phrase that I am rarely able to resist – IT’s GOT POTENTIAL! Now in all candor after I purchased, got home, tried on and found to be a bit too small I went to return them. The young man was so polite in pointing out they were final sale and not returnable. Alright, I thought. I will list on Poshmark or something and no problem. Within a few days however I started to think, perhaps this was a good motivator to get off my ass and move a bit more, but back on the treats and whilst working towards that I could come up with an idea on how to paint them. (Painting them in some form or another was always the plan as again, I don’t wear white pants. EVER.) The seed I had planted in my noggin’ took hold and a few days later I awoke with an idea. An epiphany of awesome potential! A mere 73 days in the future I get to not only go to a conference with fellow Jay Shetty coaches and trainee’s down in Santa Monica, but I also actually get to meet Jay Shetty in person. My epiphany not only got my spirit revving, but the focus of the design crystalized, and I am now about to embark on painting my one of a kind, very colorful, coaching themed pants that I have every intention of wearing to event. They aren’t so small as to be an unrealistic goal in any way, quite the opposite. Slow and steady will get me there with ease. More on the design idea later…

I realized after I had taken pic of pants and was sitting down to write something about them that they are in fact the perfect metaphor for my existence at present. Something I would not usually get for myself. The perfect blank canvas to really use my creativity and express how coaching is impacting and changing my life with fun design and lots of color, which is so my wheelhouse. A realistic goal to help keep me on track to shed these pesky post-covid/mom dying pounds and getting to moving more like I enjoy. Lastly, the unexpected delight coming with this project that is also new to me…I am not rushing into getting started. I am researching graphics that appeal to my eye. Testing different fabric pens to find the right saturation and pigmentation I am looking for. Drawing out my ideas on paper first – I tend to be a more dive in and see what happens with my art type. I am not feeling rushed, nor need to complete in some imagined time frame that may impress others. They matter to me. They will not be perfect, and I have no delusions or wish for them to be. But they do matter to me on a spiritual as well as artistic and tangible level, because they are a visual representation of who I am becoming. What I am pouring my heart and soul into with absolutely no guarantees it will work out and yet the enthusiasm and confidence of a 5-year-old in a Batman T-shirt.

Not the version my father dreamed of, but I am becoming the architect of my life. I have survived the “have to’s of existing up to 18 with the parents” and a history filled with missteps, stumbles and poor judgement. I am learning to let go of the past version of me and take from it the parts I enjoy and that support my being an adult in a world that demands it. I am also learning to say “no” as often as it feels right to me and create and adhere to boundaries that support the version of me in progress. I do not fear burning bridges that I never again wish to cross, nor allow shame in for doing so. I not only accept but have learned to cherish that I am a hyper-sensitive, emotionally open human who has not lost her childlike curiosity about the world around me or trying to understand how different people think and process their own lives. I will never again eat cottage cheese as it is repulsive, and I don’t care what anyone’s tip is to make it more palatable – fuck that. Or tapioca pudding. Barf! I still like ketchup on many things and am surprisingly snotty about what food I will and will not eat.

 I crave transparency in all my important relationships yet understand for many that is too uncomfortable for them – and that is ok. I quote Voltaire and think farts and fart jokes are hilarious. I will never fit into a description of what most society thinks a woman should be few things make me prouder. I am learning to single-task which 10 years ago I would have cried sacrilege (oh have I worn being a multi-tasker as the dysfunctional fucked up badge of honor so many of us have been brainwashed into believing is a good thing – also fuck that)! Like all of us I am a work in progress. I am not for everyone and for that I say Hallelujah! This is one of the ways both the literal and metaphorical are the same on this subject. Lord knows California for years now has too many architects (before he died my dad did confess being an architect would never have worked out financially) and there is never enough work but imagine the cluster it would be if they all drew the same way, no individuality, nothing that set them apart. Like many before me, I am weary of following the herd, and honestly, I was never any good at it anyway. So I am learning to step bravely into each new day with a curious mind, paint pens I am not afraid to use and enjoy being the architect of this beautiful life.