Autistic AF

LAX

I wish I could remember the exact verbiage my dear friend Karen used when she made a comment about “it being an autistic event” and my clarifying, that no, in fact as far as I was aware I was the only autistic person attending. “What?!”, she exclaimed, you went to an event like that, and you were the only autistic person? Of course you did.” I got that weird tingle I get sometimes when I know a moment is significant. It is now 3 days later and 4 a.m. and I am finally processing why it was so significant. I was so excited when I found out about this event, like over the moon excited as I hadn’t thought the date when announced would work with my husbands and my trip schedule, that I booked a flight and a hotel room before I had really processed what I was doing. Like many moments in my life the excitement of being able to participate was dominating my forward momentum, cutting out any opportunity to overthink and sabotage actually doing it.

I should back up. For multiple reasons. Because this isn’t a story about an event as I originally had thought. It is a story about my stumbling into an example of my autistic self being brave and I don’t want to forget its significance. It is now the end of September, and the story begins back in the beginning of February. Don’t worry – I won’t be reliving every day in between, but the timeframe is noteworthy, to me. Back in February I had after years of mulling it over in my brain and lacking the confidence to move forward with it, let alone even admit it out loud, I decided to investigate getting certified as a personal life coach. I have always felt a pull to help others manifest their dreams and despite having grown up in Marin County, where that might sound normal, I was reticent to admit it out loud. After a few decades of attempting to embrace the work life my parents felt safe with, 9-5, steady paycheck, blah blah blah, I released myself from an idea I knew was never going to feel comfortable for me. After doing a down the rabbit hole dive, prompted by a Jay Shetty video on Instagram, I mustered the courage to tell my husband about it. As always, his support for my dreams and growth gave me the final push to move forward, plunk down the investment in me and commit. I chose Jay Shetty’s Certification School as I admire all the work he has done to help bring mental health and well-being into the mainstream and I love that his philosophy is that we are all whole and complete. Sometimes, we just need a bit of support to help dig the answers out. When I signed up the gal told me that the first ever coaching live event would be happening in September. Jay, along with other speakers doing an all day school event and although they didn’t have the date set yet, once it was as a new student a ticket free of additional cost would be available for me. Excited? Hell yes! However, my husband and I had a trip to Taos planned and I didn’t want to get my hopes up as I was not sure I would be able to attend. So honestly, I forgot about it.

Fast forward to the end of May and I got an email letting me know that the date had been set for September 19^th, down in Santa Monica. We returned home from our trip on September 10^th so happy day! I claimed my free ticket and booked my airfare and hotel immediately. I waffled a bit on splurging for the VIP event as it was extra and at first, I couldn’t rationalize it just for the opportunity to meet Jay in person. Lightbulb! This would be a potential business expense and having an actual photo of Jay Shetty and I for the website I was cultivating? Clearly, I had to do it. Limited to 50 people and a photo op? Yes please! Now the excitement was taking hold of me…a couple more months passed.

Now there is no short way to explain this part, so strap in as it’s a bit obscure and totally relevant to this story. I was at Nordstrom Rack one day and found a pair of white Rag & Bone cotton pants for $44 bucks, originally $298. Sure, I never wear white pants, but they looked like the cut I know works for my body shape, size 16, which is in fact the size I am currently in, so I figured why not? I can do something artsy with them, let’s do it! After getting home and trying them on and finding them too small in the waist (no stretch whatsoever) I thought well fuck it, I will take them back. I learned upon attempting that, that they were final sale; fine. I laughed at myself and figured an idea would present itself eventually and oh did it. Around July I thought hey, I can paint them in a coaching theme AND use them as an incentive to lose some of the post covid and mom dying weight I was still sporting. I do love a art based challenge and honestly this was a great one as I knew using fabric paints and the intricacy of my design, I would have to enjoy my lifetime foe, patience. I did lose a few pounds so was able to close them, but realizing I wanted to breath whilst sitting I came with a plan and used parts of black jeans to custom widen the hip area. I heat pressed the final finished project 2 days before event and then realized that you need 72 hours between heat setting and washing. God damn it. Fine, so I will sound like I am wearing 80’s parachute pants when walking, I can handle that. I even scored a long enough and as my husband calls it artsy blouse that would hide some of the altering, I had made. Genius. I drove myself to the airport the day before, proud that I had discovered prepaid airport parking in the long-term lot, which would be a short walk to airport and no shuttle needed. As a bonus, my car would be waiting for me upon my return so no waiting and time to myself to enjoy driving home.

I love airports. I realize not everyone does. It is a bit funny though as I am not a big traveler, I’m a homebody. But the thing about airports is that I have always found them to be a literal treasure trove of different people and culture watching opportunities. I now understand that being autistic is a big part of why I love people watching. It is how I learned how to navigate neurotypical people. At airports, people are surprisingly unguarded. By that I mean a lot of the pretense I see acted out in normal situations is not present at airports as people seem to be trying to get somewhere and frustrated or impatient, so that veneer of normal social protocols falls away. I think people are so in their heads they forget people like me, might be watching them and I love it. I also enjoy engaging with people at airports if they seem open to it. It is literally my favorite kind of interaction. Little bursts of learning about people and then we each move on and go our merry way. Delicious. It delighted me to no end that whilst standing in the Southwest line to board I met an older Japanese gal named Karen, who quite frankly was probably autistic too, but either way she decided we were going to be plane buddies and was like a half sized version of me (slim and at best 5’1”) so we chatted and she picked out seats so we could sit together, giving me the aisle seat as I had stated as my only prerequisite for this agreement. Another older Hispanic gal named Mary ended up asking if she could have the window seat and let us know she was claustrophobic and being by the window helped her stay calm. Oh ya, our final musketeer of random travel buddies had landed, who was almost the exact height as Karen. The three of us spent the next hour-ish chatting about our lives and it was Mary towards the end of flight that mentioned how she loved that three such different women could end up together and have such a joyful time-sharing stories, she was so right. After walking Karen to where she picked up a shuttle to her car rental (she was going for her 50^th high school reunion) I walked to the Uber stand and realized my husband had nailed it on how weirdly far it was from the exit.

Thanks to my lovely Uber driver I got to hotel at 1 and found out after asking that I couldn’t check in until 3 as no rooms were available yet, many have been asking the same question. So, I walked next door to this fantastic restaurant Socalo, and enjoyed my first ever Lamb Burrito – who knew? Amazing. Anyhoo, I got bored killing time there went back to sit and wait in hotel lobby at 2:15. The young gal saw me and asked my name and found me a room that had become available and checked me in early, much to my delight. Now a big part of travel that is important to me and I now understand is most likely driven by how my brain is wired is that before I can relax, I need to unpack and get settled in. I loathe living out of a suitcase, so it helps me to feel grounded. It is also a sign that I am both excited and nervous about something. I was so excited about the conference, but I was also aware that the following morning, way earlier than I would like to be up, I would be joining up to 500 strangers for a full day. One of the great things about getting older is that you realize if you pay attention, that intentionally or not you have survived a bunch of shit. You can then notice what may or may not make it easier and have choices. I knew how excited I was, and I also know from too much experience to mention, that if I don’t plan for down time, not only will I get overwhelmed and dysregulate (a term I am now familiar with), but I also run the risk of getting so worn down I get sick. Literally. This is where we have some of the greatest power at our fingertips of creating a better experience. If we can set our insecurity or shame aside that we are not living up to someone else’s expectations, we can allow ourselves whatever it is we need to survive.

I have a history of creating an avatar of myself that comes across as insanely social, high energy, can get along with anyone and be quite entertaining. She has served me well in the past, I acknowledge that. I simply don’t have the energy to give her center stage anymore. There is only so much peopling I can handle, and I don’t need to get along with every fucking person in the room. Having recently had the epiphany myself on this I came up with a plan! I would try out Uber Eats, which I have resisted until now. As I found myself in one of the rare hotels that still offers a mini fridge in the room, I would order enough food for dinner and the following night’s dinner. This way when I got back to the hotel late, it would be waiting. I then had the conversation with myself about lunch the next day and how much I was willing to engage with others. I gave myself permission if I was feeling overwhelmed, that at lunch I could politely excuse myself from any group participation and find a coffee shop and just relax and absorb all I was experiencing from conference and then return in time as not to miss any of the presenters. As it was pretty early and I wanted to both ease myself into attempting to get to sleep earlier and have something to focus on, I gave myself permission to order a movie I wanted to see in the room, cost be damned. I cannot tell you the power it gives you to have these conversations in advance as giving permission for the self, for many of us, is a hard-won skill. But the difference it makes on trying to navigate an unknown situation is tremendous, because it is a plan and plans can be changed if something so epic presents itself and you know you want to pivot so you can experience it. But a bunch of what turned out to be delicious Thai food was delivered (a cold beef salad for following night) and I proceeded to watch Amateur for a mere $24.99 in my pajamas and then settle into a decent night’s sleep. I mention this because sleeping for me away from home as an insomniac is a nightmare for which I am familiar, but when some real sleep occurs, I am grateful.

The morning of is a bit of a blur as I had awoken from my slumber in the same 53-year-old body, but with the excitement and nervousness of a kid going to Disneyland for the first time, with the promise of a photo op with Mickey Mouse. To say I was vibrating is an understatement and later in the day it would make me laugh to hear from others, they had felt the same way. Yes, neurotypicals had the same morning experience as I had. Giddiness. Although the event began at 7:30 am for signing in, I opted to leave hotel at 8ish as I figured being 5 minutes away there was only so much anxious standing around, I wished to do. Sure enough, I arrived by 8:15 and yes, many had already arrived and were excitedly in line and I made my way up to the table to sign in, get my VIP lanyard and badge and stand around wishing in large part I had delayed my arrival another half an hour. None the less, I mingled awkwardly, was greeted by those I had met in San Francisco months before when we got to see Jay’s Live On Purpose and got to meet some people form the school as well. I won’t drone on about the wait, followed by the wait inside with no water on hand and a humidity that had all of us fanning ourselves like Southern Ladies sitting on a porch during July. Finally allowed in to find our seats and the day began. There were a slew of different speakers, with Jay Shetty closing out the day and I found all of them to be enjoyable, which was another surprise, as often fill in speakers don’t carry the same punch as who you are really going to see – they were all fantastic! I had even lucked out and thanks to the directions of a young man on the street, had located a Starbucks (the Mothership) to hide out and recharge during lunch.

At the end of the day, now 5pm, the slow exiting of most of the people in attendance began, leaving the 50 of us who had opted for the VIP experience behind. This was also enjoyable as before the photo op (which is really why I got a VIP ticket) Jay came out again, sat down on the stage and we enjoyed about 40 minutes of a question-and-answer period with him and that was also quite lovely. Now was the time I had been so excited about. The photo op! We were all guided out and lined up so we would each have an opportunity to personally meet Jay and have a professional photo taken. We were also told that if we had our phones ready to go that a team member would be able to take a photo on our phones as well – yipppeeeeeee! About a third of the way back I had my phone ready. Screen timer turned off. The gal both in front of me and behind giggled along with me as we each admitted that the morning we had been total spazs and my kindergarten excitement meets 7^th grade girl nerves was agreed as an apt descriptor of how they had felt as well getting ready that morning. It was so much fun watching people’s photos being captured and everyone in line was bursting with energy and enthusiasm. Bless his entire team for having the grace and patience to handle us all, because all of them managed to keep us in line with nothing but joy and enthusiasm.

Finally, it was my turn, and I had magically managed to not drop or shut off my phone, so I handed my phone to the gal taking phones and my bag to the gal assigned to free up our hands for the picture. I was even pleased to notice my ability to sweat like Robin Williams during his cocaine years was not rearing its all too familiar head and I looked somewhat normal. Or as normal as one can look when about to meet someone, they never thought they would get the opportunity to meet. I mean this guy interviews celebrities. I think anyone can relate that no matter how many times they have imagined something, it rarely goes as fantasized about, this was no exception. Controlled me was certainly there, but the real me was about to raise her head and make an unscheduled appearance. I stepped up and Jay graciously introduced himself whilst shaking my hand. Before I could forget I told him that in honor of my late mom (as she too was a fan and would have been going nuts that I got this experience) I wished Jay a belated Happy Birthday as our birthdays both fall on September 6^th (clearly different years!). I also told him about the gal behind me during the day, Shelly, who was unable to do the VIP portion also shared the day and wished him well. He thought that was pretty awesome and then I had to show off my pants I had painted with all the bold color graphics and words inspired by  the ABC’s of his coaching program and he was again, gracious and thought that I had done an ‘amazing job’ (his words) and I turn about to pose for official photo and up my autistic side reared her head and I could almost hear a voice within my brain going “tell him!” and a hesitated briefly and started to laugh and said to all, “good lord I can almost hear my mother from the great beyond screaming Don’t You Dare Say It Christy Anne! (but of course I knew I was going to anyway) and I said Jay, I really need to thank you for hiring the amazing teachers and mentors we get to experience through the school – so much so that my autistic self needs to tell you I didn’t know Viraj was going to be here today and I was more excited to meet him.” Pause for a breath…as the expressions on his teams face and his as I continued to explain why. “We all know it is your vision that made the school possible, but it is Viraj, Shahinaz and Mira, my personal mentor, that are real to us. We watch all their webinars, they answer our questions in class, and I needed to be honest that that is how I am feeling right now and wanted you to know.” He was already smiling and started to laugh and turned to Viraj and said “you hear that, Viraj? She is more excited to meet you!” In all fairness and respect to Jay he seemed genuinely pleased and amused that I had admitted this and after the official photo was taken, I thanked him again and walked over to Viraj to thank him again and tell him I did in fact mean what I had said and it was important for me that they know how much they mean to us students. I stood around for a few minutes after and then realized I didn’t need to stay for the last 45 minutes or so of schmoozing and feeling awkward. I talked to a couple of other lovely gals about the day, walked out with one of them as she was heading out as well. She and I exchanged contact info and as I was about to get an Uber she ran back and offered me a ride to my hotel.

Once back at the hotel, I got out of my outfit I had created and worn like armor to help me get through the day. The boldly painted pants had gotten many compliments and acted as a conversation piece as small talk is not only not a gift of mine, but quite frankly I loathe having to attempt it. I scrubbed off the veneer of make up I had successfully applied in the morning and saw me peeking out from behind the mask. PJ’s got put on and my chilled Thai feast from the night before did in fact hit the spot. I didn’t have the bandwidth for a movie so enjoyed channel surfing and can’t remember what I ended up watching as I allowed the day to soak in. I also spent some time realizing how proud of myself I was for attending, taking the breaks, I needed, not trying to force extra “stuff” in just because I was in Santa Monica and had time.

The next morning after a wonderful night’s sleep, I got dressed and ready for the trip home and decided to Uber to the airport early as it would be more entertaining meandering about the shops at the airport than sitting in a hotel room reading. As I was leaving the hotel to get the Uber I saw a gal sitting inside the lobby who I thought I had recognized from the day before and went back in and interrupted her call (as politely as possible) and asked if she had been at Jay Shetty’s event the day before. Well, she screamed with joy at the friend she was talking to, put her on hold and gave me the hugest hug and said, “Isn’t it amazing the connections and love that can come from a single day?” As I hugged her and laughed, I did think to myself, ya, it is fucking awesome that so many different people, from different cultures can come and experience a window of time and leave their normal hang ups or social protocols aside and openly embrace each other the following day not knowing or even asking each other’s names. She got back to her call, and I got out to my Uber in time to see it was a fucking Tesla and that also made me laugh as I loathe Elon Musk and thought to myself after so many amazing moments, God is having some fun with me. Cornelis, who was my driver, turned out to be quite chatty and we decided by the end of the drive that he was probably autistic as well and at his request I gave him the name of a few great books to check out and read. The rest of the trip home was not as personal as the way down had been, but everyone I crossed paths with was delightful and my airport karma was holding its own. Grateful barely covers how I felt that my car was so easy and close to getting to once I had landed and although I hit a fair amount of weekend traffic driving home, I enjoyed all of it as I knew my husband home and fur babies awaited my return.

So now I realize I am over 4000 words in and have not yet gotten to my point of that “tingle” I was feeling as the need to share the details was of paramount importance to me. But the details are always important to me, which is why in part I most likely miss what stands out to others like my friend Karen. I had been so focused on being able to go, getting the details of trip taken care of, making sure I was mindful to not overdo it and then when moving through each step I am always trying to be open to getting out of the experience what I can as I don’t travel a lot. What Karen saw in my sharing the story with her, with all its fun and silly moments, weren’t the details, but the overall experience of my being, unbeknownst to me, courageous. I focus on navigating the details of my existence and I forget that there is a larger picture at work. Now with the ability to reflect, when I went to Ubud, Indonesia 15 years ago, 60 days sober, by myself after just learning my dad was dying soon from cancer, it was courageous. When I went to Kathmandu, Nepal 2 years ago, 2 months before my mother passed, for 11 days by myself to meet up with a group of writers I had never met before, it was courageous. When I had told people I was doing both of those trips, I remember wondering why people had gone wide eyed and asked me “Really? By yourself?” and I always answered “sure, why not?” As if it was the most natural thing in the world and I had thought that there was something weird or off about them. But at this moment with my friend Karen, who has blessed me with shared confidence about her life and adventures, whom I trust as much as I am capable of trusting another human being, I finally heard what the others had meant. What I was doing by normal standards or social norms, was in fact courageous. Sitting here thinking about it now I am able to wrap my head around it a bit and appreciate that what these people were saying was not only true, but a compliment to my strength. Although in my heart I am laughing wildly, because good lord, whether I get it intellectually or not, I am in fact as Autistic AF.