"I ate a worm once."

Wee devils...

Those were the first words I spoke to my best & oldest friend Desiree. Little sister, sounding board, mentor and on occasion pain in my ass. Yet, 46 years later she still actively chooses to be my friend. A college graduate. Mother of 2. Successful business owner. Loved by many. Sassy midget badass. O.k., she isn't literally a midget & my GenX self realizes I am undoubtedly offending someone, if not many, but she is shorter than me by a few inches and I actually mean it as a term of endearment. As I plan on sharing about my awkwardness which I have had my entire life, prior to my autism diagnosis, this is fair warning I will undoubtedly trigger and/or offend again. So, if you are easily susceptible to these things now would be a good time to stop reading. Seriously. I am not for you & I can't waste my time arguing with you about how out of touch I am with the current acceptable jargon, of which you are undoubtedly correct. Of course, if someone has restrained you & if forcing you to listen to them read this, I should apologize; but that's probably because I am also Canadian & it's not actually my fault. If someone is actually restraining, you against your will they are clearly a dick & you might want to consider your own life choices on who you hang out with. I digress.

Awkwardness & my lifetime of carrying this albatross along for the ride whilst trying to navigate the human experience.

I didn't know I was awkward as a child. I remember feeling more shy, inadequate, confused, curious & I was an avid escapist dreamer. Oh, the daydreams I would create for myself! Now, let me clarify here, not the dreams I often hear others ruminate about. I was never a superhero. I was never rich or famous. I can honestly say I never dreamed of being anything I heard others desiring. An example might help. Keep in mind this is a LITERAL example & retelling of a fantasy I nurtured for approximately 3 years until the boy graduated, and I forgot about him until, now. Best recollection was I saw this cute boy in when I started high school named Gary & I desperately wanted him to notice me. So let me paint a picture: There are people & Gary hanging out in this house. I have no idea where I came up with this house as it was not one, I had ever actually been in. Some amalgamation of movies & reality I suppose but to this day I could draw it out in detail 39 years later down to what the coasters looked like and the grand piano in the corner. I don't play the piano, which is here nor there, but it seemed relevant at the time. I enter the room - not a via a door - nay! Descending a long staircase that opened into the middle of the room. I am basically me enough to recognize myself, but with a slightly different body I wish I had & hair actually doing what I longed for it to do. (Insert pic of Pat Benatar here during her Le Bel Age phase and I have fine curly hair) I am wearing Donald Duck t-shirt I had seen in a store that my mom refused to buy as it was not on sale & I would ruin it. (in fairness to my mom it was predominantly white) Then, as I am about to engage with the group I break out into song and I do mean a full band somehow appears. Over the 3 years the song changed but was usually Def Leppard or Cyndi Lauper depending on the situation and by that I mean my teenage hormone addled mood as none & I do mean none of the other details of the fantasy changed. "Wow you might exclaim, what happened next?" you might say. Nothing. This was simply the elaborate scenario that I had concocted that would empower me to divulge the deeply (I mean it's been 3 fucking years) entrenched in my soul message I could no longer contain to say out loud - HELLO. He would then I guess magically fall in love with me or be so captivated by my singing skills that he would then what? I have no fucking idea. Seriously, it never got past that point or more involved than my simply trying to muster a god dammed hello.

I would almost cry at the cringe worthiness of this memory except I cannot stop laughing thinking about it because that is 100% how I remember it & it was enough to keep me daydreaming for hours at a time. Also, I did manage to get 2 different boyfriends during this time, but one turned out to be a psycho and the other was 8 years older than me, so it's not like I wasn't experiencing any real life at the same time and clearly making stellar choices.

I realize now that my bestie Desiree was meant to be my closest friend because the stars aligned and I managed to string together 5 whole words of my own choosing to basically convey the same message as the multi-year, kill me now fantasy. I am also fairly certain if my mother were still alive to hear about this fantasy, she would undoubtedly respond in the same that I have a vague recollection of her responding to my proclamation to Desiree, "oh, Christy Anne!" Despite the silliness or clumsiness, I think that's how you know you have met one connected to your soul tribe. You become momentarily brave. Luckily for me Desiree was nowhere near as awkward as I, as behind the home haircut of fringe of straw-colored hair, sparkly blue eyes & a stubbornness you could feel oozing out of her, was this beautiful soul who not only knew how to talk to humans, but decided I am fairly certain in that moment I would be in her life forever. I admit there remains a small part of me that has always envied her ability to not only make friends, but she manages to keep them all & I cannot guess their numbers, but the lives she has touched are legion. Despite her saying her ADHD gives her a shit memory, I guarantee she doesn't forget the names of those she collects in the tapestry of her being. I suppose we do all have our gifts.

I know intellectually I have met hundreds; nay thousands of people & I am often told that I leave an impression and am "hard to forget" but emotionally I don't feel it & am continually surprised when I bump into someone & they remember me. Now, I will also admit if in the presence of someone I have met before, although I rarely remember names, I do remember obscure details about them. A shirt they were wearing. What they like on their pizza. Perhaps a scent they were wearing. Their second cousins middle name if it came up in a story they told me. I have received an expression I have come to describe in my head as "have you been stalking me?" on more than one occasion. Because I imagine they think why the hell would anyone remember that comment that they shared with me 4 years ago? But I do remember those things because my particular brand of autistic awkwardness because unlike many neurotypical people who remember things like names or what the person does for a living, I remember what I found interesting about them. Sure, there have been a handful over the years of those who have persisted in worming their way into my heart & I have slowly remembered "normal" things about them. Truth be told though, gun to my head I probably couldn't tell you their siblings names or even what they do for a living. Desiree for example has a massive family and I know she has 2 kids. I know their names (the kids) but I couldn't tell you their birthdays as my brain simply refuses to hold onto the data.

As I get older, I realize like so many things, my awkwardness is a double-edged sword. On the shitty side I may remember your spouse's name after being told a multitude of times. Less if I have hung out with them. A few times. I won't remember children's birthdays unless written down because for the most part children don't interest me. I can enjoy some of them immensely in short bursts, as children are often the only ones that have the amount of energy I do - but they don't linger in the periphery of my consciousness under normal circumstances. I rarely know what people do for a living or what their last name is. I will never voluntarily agree to go to social gatherings "downtown", music festivals or even shopping as I prefer doing those things by myself that many women apparently enjoy doing in groups. I will however almost always remember what makes you laugh. Who broke your heart and the amount of rage to show I will not forget. Whatever food ingredient you are not allergic to, but you don't like in your food. I will know when you need a hug even if you say you're ok. I guess one of the joys of my awkwardness is that I get to remember the little details of what makes those in my life, well, who they are. I remember the parts of them that they chose themselves.

Luckily for me, my husband Brodie chose to reach out to me on OKCUPID as I was about to give up hope over 10 years ago & like Desiree, I sensed it was safe to say hello in my own way, despite some questionable beliefs that we argued about at some length. Unlike my teenage fantasies that were so elaborate, I find myself often sending Brodie songs that resonate with me and say what I wish I was able to at that moment. The best part? He listens to them. I honestly don't know if I have ever met another man in my life with the same level of awkwardness my husband can struggle with socially. Like me, over the years he has cultivated a veneer of humorous stories and has an intelligence many could not hold their own with, whilst maintaining on occasion the ability to dig himself into a hole the depth of which is often determined by how long he is given to dig. He is the only human being I have ever met in my life who to this day has yet to bore me once, which is why I agreed to marry him. Like Desiree he can also be a pain in my ass. Luckily for me, despite being different in too many ways to list, they get along exceptionally well.

So, to wrap up for now I offer this unsolicited advice for the fellow Awkwards out there: if and when you are blessed enough to cross paths with those unknown members of your soul tribe and actually feel comfortable enough to say hello, hold on to them, love them in the way YOU are capable of loving them, especially if they are on occasion a pain in your ass. (That means unbeknownst to them, they have crossed paths with you not only to love you, but to teach you something about yourself you absolutely need to learn if you actually want to experience all the best parts of the journey and I believe this sincerely, you want to move forward to whatever comes next.)